And because there have been a good few years with Halloween jokes this time of the year, this time i decided to go even more American with Thanksgiving Jokes!

You Know You’ve Overdone Thanksgiving If…

*  It looks like the left-overs are gonna last until Christmas

*  That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn

*  Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy

*  You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail

*  You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning walk

You are what you eat…. and you are NOT gonna like being a turkey!

***

Pro Football Turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

***

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught.” and refuse to say anything more

2. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the Turkey was four weeks past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table.   Announce that It’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

***

Geek’s Thanksgiving

Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse

Be thankful your favorite forum isn’t down

Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn’t gain a pound

Be thankful no one knows who you really are

Be thankful your 28 year old cyber friend really isn’t 72

***

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

***

A Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe

1 Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.

2 Put turkey in the oven, check the whisky again.

3 To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

4 Repeat.

5 Set the degree at 375 ovens

6 Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.

7 Turk the bastey

8 Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.  Whatever you can find.

9 Ponder the meat thermometer

10 Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

11 Add a spoon of sugar, or something.  Who giveshz a shit.

12 Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

13 Take the oven out of the turkey

14 Check the whisky. Now floor the turkey up off of the pick

15 Turk the carvey

16 Get yourself another scottle of botch

17 Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

18 Throw the turkey out of the f**king window.

19 Check the whisky again and go to bed.

Have a great month 🙂
Monthly Jokes from CraziestJokes.com