When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn’t know his first name was ALWAYS!

Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.

Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

— Funny Marriage Quotes —

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That…

It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!

— Funny Marriage Quotes —

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

We have a quiet home life. I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

The wise never marry – And when they marry they become otherwise.

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

— Funny Marriage Quotes —

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Words to live by – do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

No husband has ever been shot while washing dishes.

— Funny Marriage Quotes —

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. the rest cheat in Europe.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

— Funny Marriage Quotes —

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Every man/woman should marry – After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Our marriage was a love match. Plain and simple – she was plain and I was simple!

Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?

Wife to Husband: I’m looking for a loophole.